Monday, February 7

Today I kept busy working on laundry, making chicken soup, and taking a nap.  

At about 2 o'clock this afternoon I received an email from my mom telling me that my cousin had died. To make the shock even more complete, the email said it was not an accident; he had killed himself. At that point, I quickly called my mom who was at the hospital with my grandma.



I had talked to my cousin just a couple of days ago on facebook!

I think I scared the cleaning lady when she came to tell me she was leaving. I was in my room sobbing! I tried to explain to her why I was crying. She was the only other person there and because I couldn’t stop crying, she came over and gave me a hug. I figured she would call Nancy after she left and I was right because when I called her later to tell her I wouldn’t be going to my German class tonight, she had already heard my cousin had died.

I cried all the way to the school, tried not to cry as I picked the girls up, and cried all the way back to the house. The girls were so sensitive and were quiet in the car and left me alone for a while at the house. Gloria especially seemed to be sensitive to my needs.

I think my cousin's death is even more difficult to deal with because it was a suicide. I never thought MY family would have to deal with suicide. And here it is staring us in the face. I can’t imagine what the Goodews are going through. All of us are still in shock and having to come to terms with the face it was a suicide. I am fairly confidence that he was a believer, so I find comfort in knowing he is with the Lord right now but the shock of his death is still settling in. I am devastated for the Goodews and for myself. It is so difficult to understand WHY he would kill himself. There were no hints that I know of that would have suggested he was contemplating suicide. He had just bought a house, was enjoying work, and was in great shape physically. He seemed to be making strides in his spiritual walk with the Lord as well.

I was able to talk to all the girls today and make sure they knew I loved them. I talked to Stacey first through skype chat, then Devra and the kids, and finally Wendy and Janna together on skype. All of us were still in disbelief. Dad drove up to be with the family.

As far as I know, grandma’s surgery went well today and her pancreatic biopsy came back with benign results, so Praise the Lord!

The weather has been cloudy, drizzly/rainy, and windy for close to two weeks, but today, on the day I received such sad news, the sun was shining bright! So while I was grieving, I was able to give thanks to the Lord. It's amazing how God works!

The girls and I ate chicken soup and toast for dinner and played Rummy. When Mark and Nancy arrived home, Nancy gave me a hug and I filled them in on the details I knew. They were very sympathetic and thankfully gave me space tonight so I could talk with the girls and work through the emotions of grieving.

I finally went to bed just after 9pm. Three late nights and lots of crying made me totally exhausted!

Please pray for my family! It is difficult to be away from right there, so please pray for me as well as I work through my emotions. Thank God for the internet so I can be updated often!